The Debriefing

When soldiers return from a deployment they go through a series of debriefings. The purpose it to wind down their time away and access how things went, but also to get them ready to move back into the real world. I had my debriefing with my husband today. There were some things I wanted to get off my chest, some questions I felt I had the right to get answers to, and some practical things to address for the future. I went in prepared with things written down and that was so helpful because it really kept me on target. I did get a lot of answers and I got everything said that I wanted to say, but the end result was still the same. He is still pursuing a relationship with the other woman. The tears have flowed freely tonight. Let them fall. This is something to cry about. The man who has been my husband for the last 20 years is gone. His preference is a 22 year old girl who won't even tell her mom (who she lives with) about my husband because she doesn't think her mom will understand. In the famous words of one of my friends, "you think?" All I can think right now is wow, just wow. I have a theory, and mind you its only a theory. In September when all this started I had cancer and was going through a really rough time. At the same time, this young woman contacted my husband because she was having a problem. Her problem was that she didn't feel like she fit in at the unit. I asked my husband, "was that a problem you could fix?" He said, "Yes." I asked him, "was mine a problem you could fix?" He said, "No." So my theory is that since he couldn't fix my illness he was overwhelmed and drawn to one he could fix.He may have fixed her problem, but he has opened up the floodgates to so many others that hurt me and my kids, and probably in the future will hurt himself and this girl as well.

Heartwrenching Homecoming

My husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.
At home is where I watched happy families on TV.
One side of the bed is empty and that is the way it will be
because my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

The kids were hugging their daddies, running and playing with glee
All the kids that is but my husbands, because they were home with me
They sent away their hero, who came back wasn't he
He hurt his wonderful children and that just shouldn't be

Our future dreams are shattered, as anyone can see
and, no more happy marriage, cause a marriage isn't three
I'm not sure what comes next now, but alone I know I'll be
'cause my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

A husband lost

As time passes the shock of the whole situation has definitely worn off. The hurt, although still raw and there most of the time, has dulled a bit. In some ways I am moving on. I have to. There are dinners to be made, football games to watch, kids to interact with, and a house to manage. I feel all the more lately that I have lost my husband, like a death. The man that still refuses to end an affair with a woman half his age is not my husband. My husband wouldn't do that. My husband respected our marriage and cared about me. My husband cared about his kids and their well-being. This man only cares about himself, period. So, my husband, or at least the man I knew as my husband, does not exist any longer. He is gone.

Kind and Caring? Not!

Daniel recently had the audacity to refer to himself as kind and caring. Wow, I thought, really? Kind and caring is not how I would describe a man who just betrayed his wife with another woman at the possible expense of a relationship with his kids. Kind and caring are not words I would use to refer to a man who started an extramarital affair with a girl the same age as his daughter while his wife has cancer. It was all I could do to not jump through the computer and shake some sense into him. It only confirms my belief that he is in another reality right now, one where apparently men who cheat on their wives are not considered bad. While he exists in this reality I see no indication that he will do the right thing. I know that God can do all things, and I pray that He deals with Daniel, but for now I have to live with my current reality, and that reality is that my husband is choosing to continue in an affair.

adjustment disorder

Who wouldn't have an "adjustment disorder" when dealing with the loss of a marriage, husband, future, etc. Yes I guess I am having an adjustment problem. This past year has been riddled with things I have had to become adjusted to. Breast cancer, two kids moving out, husband deploying to Iraq, the discovery of him having an affair, another daughter getting ready to leave for college. In one year the size of our household will have gone from 6 to 2. That's a lot of adjustment, and not just for me, but for my kids too. I am still grieving a lot of this. There are nights when it's just me in the house when the kids are at a friends, it can get very lonely. I sit and sometimes don't know what to do with myself. My mind gets going to places that it shouldn't and I have to reel it in. No sense going certain places in my mind because it isn't going to get me anywhere but upset. It is difficult though because the sadness just wants to take over, the feeling of rejection, the hurt, and still the shock of it all. Tonight is one of those nights, fighting depression. Trying to adjust to my new reality isn't easy.

27 is now my unkucky number

The 27th has not been a good day for me this past year for many reasons. I had part of my breast removed on the 27th. I had my first round of chemo, that put me in the hospital and a very scary infection, on the 27th. I found out my husband of 20 years was having an affair on the 27th. This past month I had a horrible depression brought about by hormones on the 27th. Of course the depression was made much worse because of my current situation with Daniel. Oh, it was a terrible few days. The depression is gone for now and things are getting back to normal, but the sadness is still there and I fear that it will hang on for many months to come. I read something this week that aligned heartbreak to a heart attack. It said when you have a heart attack you go to the emergency room and get immediate help. You follow up with doctors, you get medicine. Friends and family come around you and help to take care of you. When you suffer a heart break there is no emergency room, no medicine, no doctor follow ups. Some friends come alongside and try to help, but many don't really know what to say, and some just stay away. You feel isolated and without a treatment plan. How do you heal a heart break? There is no definitive treatment. I guess the knowledge that it will just take time is what I have to let sink in, there is no easy fix for a broken heart.

After the Crying

Several days ago I had what I call my 1 1/2 hour cry fest. It came after days of being depressed and hormonal. It was awful. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept coming and coming and coming. So much hurt and pain. So much unbelief over the whole ugly situation. Anger and rage over the position I have been hurled into without my permission. Suddenly a single parent because he has no credibility anymore with our children. None. How can you tell your kids to shape up when you are walking an even worse path morally? Well, you can't. One of the saddest parts is that as a single parent you get to bear the brunt of even his behavior. The kids can't be mad at him because he's not here to be mad at, so who do you think they take it out on? You guessed right, the only parent here that they can take it out on. So much injustice there. The crying has stopped for now, and for that I am grateful. Taking my time and not rushing the grief, but I feel that day was a turning point, it had to come out and I'm glad it did. Continuing to move forward.

The Rain

So, God gives us what we need all the time. I have a habit of not slowing down for anything. Full speed ahead. Got a problem? Let's make a list of things that need to be done to fix it and then let's get going. So, in my current circumstances that is what I started doing until I was brought to an abrupt stop. A physical limitation was what came first. After chemo my body was sent out of wack hormonally, but last week everything started up again with a vengeance, cramps, depression, the works. I was laid up for almost a week. Next came the rain. Now it is June in California. We are supposed to have warm springtime days with the ability to enjoy all God's creation has to offer, but clouds, thunder, and huge amounts of water falling from the sky have also kept me down. I long to get away and do, but God is making me sit and be still. They say that grief is a process that you have to allow yourself experience so that you can work through it, but I don't think I want to naturally do that. I want to get on with things. My Heavenly Father is forcing me to do it for my own good, whether I want to or not. That's the thing about God, He knows what we need all the time, even when we don't realize it ourselves.

Anger

How could a man who professes to be a believer not only cheat on his wife, but when caught decide that he'd rather just end a 20 year marriage? What kind of man is so selfish that while his wife is going through chemotherapy he runs to the arms of another woman? Who can comprehend how hurtful a man could be to his wife that he just runs away with a woman half his age and the same age as his children and not even care if it destroys the relationship he has with them. Yes, this makes me angry, very angry, but he is 7000 miles away half way around the world and there is nothing I can do to change it. Such a coward that when confronted he wouldn't even be truthful. I'm angry. I'm angry that he ever let his guard down long enough to allow someone else into his life. I'm angry that when he realized what he was doing that he didn't put a stop to it knowing how much hurt and pain it would cause. I'm angry that all he is thinking about is himself. I can't believe that this is the man I have been married to for the last 20 years. I'm also angry with this girl of 22 who knew that he was married, knew he had kids, knew his wife had cancer, and still put herself out there to him. What kind of person is she? I'm angry that one of the kids is blaming me while they talk affectionately to him on the phone like nothing ever happened. I'm angry that our lives, mine and the kids, will never be the same again. I believe I have every right to be angry. I don't think he could have done anything else that would have been as hurtful as this. It is the ultimate betrayal and cuts to the core of the heart, a heart that I have shared with him in good times and bad. All those years, especially at the beginning when he was out running around at bars while I was home looking after the kids. All the nights I begged him to stay home and he would just brush by me out the door. All the immaturity and irresponsibility that I put up with until he finally decided to man up and act like a husband and father. All the lies he was caught in over the years. All the insensitivity and callousness toward me. All of it and I was always right there. I never left him and was totally committed to making it work no matter what, begging him to go to counseling with me and try to work through our issues with not as much as a care most of the time to make things better. Anger. I won't stay here though because it will do me no good. It won't help me to get through it all, but it is a part of the grieving process, so here it is. I ask God to help me to pass through this stage and to not dwell or get myself worked up. I can't be with people who want to bash him or just men in general because this serves no purpose either. I put my anger in your hands Father. Heal the hurt and show me how to find joy in the process.

Barganing

They say that you hit a point at this stage where you are trying to reason with your spouse. I guess that is what has happened this week. I e-mailed Daniel and got back a pretty heartfelt and contrite reply and it gave me hope for our marriage, only to be shot down again at the receipt of the next e-mail. I tried to make him see how big of a mistake he was making and that we could try to work it out to no avail. It is still a little unbelievable to me that this is really happening. How could he do this to me, us, our family. I go back and forth between shock and acceptance. From one hour to the next I could be in a different place. I just never know. The betrayal is so sharp and has cut so deep. There is a gaping wound there that will take a long time to heal, but it will heal. All things heal with time. I had to make sure he knew one last time that I was not willing to just let our marriage go, that I was willing to fight for it. I know it is what God required of me. Now it is time to move forward and begin a new chapter in my life as a single person. I do this unwillingly at this point, but I have no choice, a marriage is not a marriage unless there are two in it.

Depression

For the last four weeks of this unintentional journey I have felt pretty good, really good in fact. I have asked myself how I could be handleing everything so well. I know God is with me and He will never leave my side, but I thought I should be feeling a little bit worse. Well today was that day. A bit of depression set in. I think part of it was that I was overly tired, and I kinda overextended myself the last few days. Today I was feeling low. I haven't felt like this since before I had cancer 8 months ago. Today I felt lonely and alone. I thought about how over the years even while married I often felt this same way. I know I am loved by God, but today I was saddened by how unloved I have been by my husband, how he could do such a hurtful thing to the woman he has spent the last 21 years with really cuts deep and leaves a big gash. I considered the fact that after being married for the better part of my life I might spend the rest of it as a single person. That thought is foreign to me. I slept today and as I did I had a dream about Daniel. I dreamed that he came home on leave from his deployment to draft divorce papers and make sure that his pay would no longer go to our checking account, and he brought his girlfriend with him. It was horrible. Seeing them and having it in my face was aweful. I woke up in a funk and haven't been able to shake it the rest of the day. I prayed and asked God to send me some encouragement either from His Word or from someone in His body. A couple of hours later Joshua stopped by and stayed for a while. We talked and had dinner together and I was encouraged. I'm still in a little funk tonight, but I am very thankful that my Heavenly Father heard my cry for help and answered my prayer.

Denial

As I read the first e-mail that said I love you I thought well there could be a simple explanation for that. And, even as I read the next, and the next, I thought well maybe someone else is using his e-mail to send these messages. I hit Facebook and started to read more messages, intimate messages between the two of them. Something in me still didn't want to believe it. Maybe someone was using his e-mail and his Facebook. The first wave of denial came and quickly left as I was left with the discovery that my husband of 20 years was having an affair. Denial doesn't last long, but for a brief moment in the knowledge of the impending storm there is a calm, a maybe, a no it couldn't be, but then the knowledge takes root and as denial slips from your grasp the waves of emotion come rushing in like a tidal wave and there's nothing to stand in its way.