Anger

How could a man who professes to be a believer not only cheat on his wife, but when caught decide that he'd rather just end a 20 year marriage? What kind of man is so selfish that while his wife is going through chemotherapy he runs to the arms of another woman? Who can comprehend how hurtful a man could be to his wife that he just runs away with a woman half his age and the same age as his children and not even care if it destroys the relationship he has with them. Yes, this makes me angry, very angry, but he is 7000 miles away half way around the world and there is nothing I can do to change it. Such a coward that when confronted he wouldn't even be truthful. I'm angry. I'm angry that he ever let his guard down long enough to allow someone else into his life. I'm angry that when he realized what he was doing that he didn't put a stop to it knowing how much hurt and pain it would cause. I'm angry that all he is thinking about is himself. I can't believe that this is the man I have been married to for the last 20 years. I'm also angry with this girl of 22 who knew that he was married, knew he had kids, knew his wife had cancer, and still put herself out there to him. What kind of person is she? I'm angry that one of the kids is blaming me while they talk affectionately to him on the phone like nothing ever happened. I'm angry that our lives, mine and the kids, will never be the same again. I believe I have every right to be angry. I don't think he could have done anything else that would have been as hurtful as this. It is the ultimate betrayal and cuts to the core of the heart, a heart that I have shared with him in good times and bad. All those years, especially at the beginning when he was out running around at bars while I was home looking after the kids. All the nights I begged him to stay home and he would just brush by me out the door. All the immaturity and irresponsibility that I put up with until he finally decided to man up and act like a husband and father. All the lies he was caught in over the years. All the insensitivity and callousness toward me. All of it and I was always right there. I never left him and was totally committed to making it work no matter what, begging him to go to counseling with me and try to work through our issues with not as much as a care most of the time to make things better. Anger. I won't stay here though because it will do me no good. It won't help me to get through it all, but it is a part of the grieving process, so here it is. I ask God to help me to pass through this stage and to not dwell or get myself worked up. I can't be with people who want to bash him or just men in general because this serves no purpose either. I put my anger in your hands Father. Heal the hurt and show me how to find joy in the process.