The Debriefing

When soldiers return from a deployment they go through a series of debriefings. The purpose it to wind down their time away and access how things went, but also to get them ready to move back into the real world. I had my debriefing with my husband today. There were some things I wanted to get off my chest, some questions I felt I had the right to get answers to, and some practical things to address for the future. I went in prepared with things written down and that was so helpful because it really kept me on target. I did get a lot of answers and I got everything said that I wanted to say, but the end result was still the same. He is still pursuing a relationship with the other woman. The tears have flowed freely tonight. Let them fall. This is something to cry about. The man who has been my husband for the last 20 years is gone. His preference is a 22 year old girl who won't even tell her mom (who she lives with) about my husband because she doesn't think her mom will understand. In the famous words of one of my friends, "you think?" All I can think right now is wow, just wow. I have a theory, and mind you its only a theory. In September when all this started I had cancer and was going through a really rough time. At the same time, this young woman contacted my husband because she was having a problem. Her problem was that she didn't feel like she fit in at the unit. I asked my husband, "was that a problem you could fix?" He said, "Yes." I asked him, "was mine a problem you could fix?" He said, "No." So my theory is that since he couldn't fix my illness he was overwhelmed and drawn to one he could fix.He may have fixed her problem, but he has opened up the floodgates to so many others that hurt me and my kids, and probably in the future will hurt himself and this girl as well.

Heartwrenching Homecoming

My husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.
At home is where I watched happy families on TV.
One side of the bed is empty and that is the way it will be
because my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

The kids were hugging their daddies, running and playing with glee
All the kids that is but my husbands, because they were home with me
They sent away their hero, who came back wasn't he
He hurt his wonderful children and that just shouldn't be

Our future dreams are shattered, as anyone can see
and, no more happy marriage, cause a marriage isn't three
I'm not sure what comes next now, but alone I know I'll be
'cause my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

A husband lost

As time passes the shock of the whole situation has definitely worn off. The hurt, although still raw and there most of the time, has dulled a bit. In some ways I am moving on. I have to. There are dinners to be made, football games to watch, kids to interact with, and a house to manage. I feel all the more lately that I have lost my husband, like a death. The man that still refuses to end an affair with a woman half his age is not my husband. My husband wouldn't do that. My husband respected our marriage and cared about me. My husband cared about his kids and their well-being. This man only cares about himself, period. So, my husband, or at least the man I knew as my husband, does not exist any longer. He is gone.

Kind and Caring? Not!

Daniel recently had the audacity to refer to himself as kind and caring. Wow, I thought, really? Kind and caring is not how I would describe a man who just betrayed his wife with another woman at the possible expense of a relationship with his kids. Kind and caring are not words I would use to refer to a man who started an extramarital affair with a girl the same age as his daughter while his wife has cancer. It was all I could do to not jump through the computer and shake some sense into him. It only confirms my belief that he is in another reality right now, one where apparently men who cheat on their wives are not considered bad. While he exists in this reality I see no indication that he will do the right thing. I know that God can do all things, and I pray that He deals with Daniel, but for now I have to live with my current reality, and that reality is that my husband is choosing to continue in an affair.

adjustment disorder

Who wouldn't have an "adjustment disorder" when dealing with the loss of a marriage, husband, future, etc. Yes I guess I am having an adjustment problem. This past year has been riddled with things I have had to become adjusted to. Breast cancer, two kids moving out, husband deploying to Iraq, the discovery of him having an affair, another daughter getting ready to leave for college. In one year the size of our household will have gone from 6 to 2. That's a lot of adjustment, and not just for me, but for my kids too. I am still grieving a lot of this. There are nights when it's just me in the house when the kids are at a friends, it can get very lonely. I sit and sometimes don't know what to do with myself. My mind gets going to places that it shouldn't and I have to reel it in. No sense going certain places in my mind because it isn't going to get me anywhere but upset. It is difficult though because the sadness just wants to take over, the feeling of rejection, the hurt, and still the shock of it all. Tonight is one of those nights, fighting depression. Trying to adjust to my new reality isn't easy.

27 is now my unkucky number

The 27th has not been a good day for me this past year for many reasons. I had part of my breast removed on the 27th. I had my first round of chemo, that put me in the hospital and a very scary infection, on the 27th. I found out my husband of 20 years was having an affair on the 27th. This past month I had a horrible depression brought about by hormones on the 27th. Of course the depression was made much worse because of my current situation with Daniel. Oh, it was a terrible few days. The depression is gone for now and things are getting back to normal, but the sadness is still there and I fear that it will hang on for many months to come. I read something this week that aligned heartbreak to a heart attack. It said when you have a heart attack you go to the emergency room and get immediate help. You follow up with doctors, you get medicine. Friends and family come around you and help to take care of you. When you suffer a heart break there is no emergency room, no medicine, no doctor follow ups. Some friends come alongside and try to help, but many don't really know what to say, and some just stay away. You feel isolated and without a treatment plan. How do you heal a heart break? There is no definitive treatment. I guess the knowledge that it will just take time is what I have to let sink in, there is no easy fix for a broken heart.

After the Crying

Several days ago I had what I call my 1 1/2 hour cry fest. It came after days of being depressed and hormonal. It was awful. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept coming and coming and coming. So much hurt and pain. So much unbelief over the whole ugly situation. Anger and rage over the position I have been hurled into without my permission. Suddenly a single parent because he has no credibility anymore with our children. None. How can you tell your kids to shape up when you are walking an even worse path morally? Well, you can't. One of the saddest parts is that as a single parent you get to bear the brunt of even his behavior. The kids can't be mad at him because he's not here to be mad at, so who do you think they take it out on? You guessed right, the only parent here that they can take it out on. So much injustice there. The crying has stopped for now, and for that I am grateful. Taking my time and not rushing the grief, but I feel that day was a turning point, it had to come out and I'm glad it did. Continuing to move forward.