After the Crying

Several days ago I had what I call my 1 1/2 hour cry fest. It came after days of being depressed and hormonal. It was awful. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept coming and coming and coming. So much hurt and pain. So much unbelief over the whole ugly situation. Anger and rage over the position I have been hurled into without my permission. Suddenly a single parent because he has no credibility anymore with our children. None. How can you tell your kids to shape up when you are walking an even worse path morally? Well, you can't. One of the saddest parts is that as a single parent you get to bear the brunt of even his behavior. The kids can't be mad at him because he's not here to be mad at, so who do you think they take it out on? You guessed right, the only parent here that they can take it out on. So much injustice there. The crying has stopped for now, and for that I am grateful. Taking my time and not rushing the grief, but I feel that day was a turning point, it had to come out and I'm glad it did. Continuing to move forward.

The Rain

So, God gives us what we need all the time. I have a habit of not slowing down for anything. Full speed ahead. Got a problem? Let's make a list of things that need to be done to fix it and then let's get going. So, in my current circumstances that is what I started doing until I was brought to an abrupt stop. A physical limitation was what came first. After chemo my body was sent out of wack hormonally, but last week everything started up again with a vengeance, cramps, depression, the works. I was laid up for almost a week. Next came the rain. Now it is June in California. We are supposed to have warm springtime days with the ability to enjoy all God's creation has to offer, but clouds, thunder, and huge amounts of water falling from the sky have also kept me down. I long to get away and do, but God is making me sit and be still. They say that grief is a process that you have to allow yourself experience so that you can work through it, but I don't think I want to naturally do that. I want to get on with things. My Heavenly Father is forcing me to do it for my own good, whether I want to or not. That's the thing about God, He knows what we need all the time, even when we don't realize it ourselves.

Anger

How could a man who professes to be a believer not only cheat on his wife, but when caught decide that he'd rather just end a 20 year marriage? What kind of man is so selfish that while his wife is going through chemotherapy he runs to the arms of another woman? Who can comprehend how hurtful a man could be to his wife that he just runs away with a woman half his age and the same age as his children and not even care if it destroys the relationship he has with them. Yes, this makes me angry, very angry, but he is 7000 miles away half way around the world and there is nothing I can do to change it. Such a coward that when confronted he wouldn't even be truthful. I'm angry. I'm angry that he ever let his guard down long enough to allow someone else into his life. I'm angry that when he realized what he was doing that he didn't put a stop to it knowing how much hurt and pain it would cause. I'm angry that all he is thinking about is himself. I can't believe that this is the man I have been married to for the last 20 years. I'm also angry with this girl of 22 who knew that he was married, knew he had kids, knew his wife had cancer, and still put herself out there to him. What kind of person is she? I'm angry that one of the kids is blaming me while they talk affectionately to him on the phone like nothing ever happened. I'm angry that our lives, mine and the kids, will never be the same again. I believe I have every right to be angry. I don't think he could have done anything else that would have been as hurtful as this. It is the ultimate betrayal and cuts to the core of the heart, a heart that I have shared with him in good times and bad. All those years, especially at the beginning when he was out running around at bars while I was home looking after the kids. All the nights I begged him to stay home and he would just brush by me out the door. All the immaturity and irresponsibility that I put up with until he finally decided to man up and act like a husband and father. All the lies he was caught in over the years. All the insensitivity and callousness toward me. All of it and I was always right there. I never left him and was totally committed to making it work no matter what, begging him to go to counseling with me and try to work through our issues with not as much as a care most of the time to make things better. Anger. I won't stay here though because it will do me no good. It won't help me to get through it all, but it is a part of the grieving process, so here it is. I ask God to help me to pass through this stage and to not dwell or get myself worked up. I can't be with people who want to bash him or just men in general because this serves no purpose either. I put my anger in your hands Father. Heal the hurt and show me how to find joy in the process.