Hit by a Bus

The range of emotions over the next few weeks was vast. Kimberly Kennedy in her book, Left at the Alter, says this, "Someone might as well have come in and told me Lew had been hit by a bus because it could not have felt any worse if he had, In fact, if I think about it, it might have been easier to handle if he had." I so relate to this comment. Daniel was in Iraq. If we got the news he had been killed I think it would have been easier to heal from. He would have stayed a hero in the eyes of our kids, and we could focus on the happy memories. Sharon Hart Morris PH.d. says, "Death is final, and so there is closure." There is no closure with an affair and I think that is what makes it so difficult. I struggled with these feeling now and again. Wouldn't it just be better if he were, well you know. I didn't stay here long because I knew it wasn't a very healthy place to be. My friends would "joke", things like, "if I see him I think I will run him over with my car." These kinds of lighthearted moments actually gave me the freedom to stop the angry thoughts about his demise.

A Not so Happy Anniversary

It has been a year since discovering my husband's affair and the subsequent end of our marriage. I still remember doing him a favor that day. I was updating some names in his hotmail when I spied some mail from a female soldier. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled and I knew that was not a good sign. I opened the emails and read their contents. Not completely benign, but also not completely appropriate. Not knowing exactly what to do, I wondered if his facebook password was the same as his hotmail. I tried it and success. Within minutes I knew that our marriage was in jeopardy. Unlike the emails, the facebook messages painted a very clear picture of an affair in sticky sweet details. I sat alone on my couch at home reading through these horrible messages. Why? What was he thinking? She knows he's a married man? How could he? Haven't I been through enough this year? I messaged him immediately that I knew he was having an affair and that he needed to contact me immediately. He called me with in a couple hours. The conversation was short. After he tried to deny it for a minute, he conceded and I told him he needed to make a decision and that I didn't want to hear from him again until that decision was made. I was sick to my stomach and I wanted to throw up. Where do you go from here. Your world stops. The next morning I took my son to school and as I was exiting the parking lot I received the phone call. He was such a coward. All the cliche's came out, "I didn't mean to hurt you", "I never meant for this to happen", "I don't know how this happened", "I have to follow my heart", and the best one was, "I have to do what's best for me." Wow, was all I could think for a while. I was numb. Do what's best for you? What about your kids, our family, your military career, coaching, all of it? Did he understand that doing what was best for him left a wake of "not best" things for his kids and our family? It was clear to me as I sat in that parking lot and watched other kids get dropped off and parents go about their business, that our lives-me and the kids-would never be the same. At that moment no one knew the subsequent turmoil our family would have to go through. Everyone was going about their day, while I sat in my van contemplating the end of a 20 year marriage and all the hurt, rejection, sadness, and a myriad of other emotions I had not even begun to feel. They would converge on my life and the life of my kids soon enough.

The Debriefing

When soldiers return from a deployment they go through a series of debriefings. The purpose it to wind down their time away and access how things went, but also to get them ready to move back into the real world. I had my debriefing with my husband today. There were some things I wanted to get off my chest, some questions I felt I had the right to get answers to, and some practical things to address for the future. I went in prepared with things written down and that was so helpful because it really kept me on target. I did get a lot of answers and I got everything said that I wanted to say, but the end result was still the same. He is still pursuing a relationship with the other woman. The tears have flowed freely tonight. Let them fall. This is something to cry about. The man who has been my husband for the last 20 years is gone. His preference is a 22 year old girl who won't even tell her mom (who she lives with) about my husband because she doesn't think her mom will understand. In the famous words of one of my friends, "you think?" All I can think right now is wow, just wow. I have a theory, and mind you its only a theory. In September when all this started I had cancer and was going through a really rough time. At the same time, this young woman contacted my husband because she was having a problem. Her problem was that she didn't feel like she fit in at the unit. I asked my husband, "was that a problem you could fix?" He said, "Yes." I asked him, "was mine a problem you could fix?" He said, "No." So my theory is that since he couldn't fix my illness he was overwhelmed and drawn to one he could fix.He may have fixed her problem, but he has opened up the floodgates to so many others that hurt me and my kids, and probably in the future will hurt himself and this girl as well.

Heartwrenching Homecoming

My husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.
At home is where I watched happy families on TV.
One side of the bed is empty and that is the way it will be
because my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

The kids were hugging their daddies, running and playing with glee
All the kids that is but my husbands, because they were home with me
They sent away their hero, who came back wasn't he
He hurt his wonderful children and that just shouldn't be

Our future dreams are shattered, as anyone can see
and, no more happy marriage, cause a marriage isn't three
I'm not sure what comes next now, but alone I know I'll be
'cause my husband came home from Iraq, but he didn't come home to me.

A husband lost

As time passes the shock of the whole situation has definitely worn off. The hurt, although still raw and there most of the time, has dulled a bit. In some ways I am moving on. I have to. There are dinners to be made, football games to watch, kids to interact with, and a house to manage. I feel all the more lately that I have lost my husband, like a death. The man that still refuses to end an affair with a woman half his age is not my husband. My husband wouldn't do that. My husband respected our marriage and cared about me. My husband cared about his kids and their well-being. This man only cares about himself, period. So, my husband, or at least the man I knew as my husband, does not exist any longer. He is gone.

Kind and Caring? Not!

Daniel recently had the audacity to refer to himself as kind and caring. Wow, I thought, really? Kind and caring is not how I would describe a man who just betrayed his wife with another woman at the possible expense of a relationship with his kids. Kind and caring are not words I would use to refer to a man who started an extramarital affair with a girl the same age as his daughter while his wife has cancer. It was all I could do to not jump through the computer and shake some sense into him. It only confirms my belief that he is in another reality right now, one where apparently men who cheat on their wives are not considered bad. While he exists in this reality I see no indication that he will do the right thing. I know that God can do all things, and I pray that He deals with Daniel, but for now I have to live with my current reality, and that reality is that my husband is choosing to continue in an affair.

adjustment disorder

Who wouldn't have an "adjustment disorder" when dealing with the loss of a marriage, husband, future, etc. Yes I guess I am having an adjustment problem. This past year has been riddled with things I have had to become adjusted to. Breast cancer, two kids moving out, husband deploying to Iraq, the discovery of him having an affair, another daughter getting ready to leave for college. In one year the size of our household will have gone from 6 to 2. That's a lot of adjustment, and not just for me, but for my kids too. I am still grieving a lot of this. There are nights when it's just me in the house when the kids are at a friends, it can get very lonely. I sit and sometimes don't know what to do with myself. My mind gets going to places that it shouldn't and I have to reel it in. No sense going certain places in my mind because it isn't going to get me anywhere but upset. It is difficult though because the sadness just wants to take over, the feeling of rejection, the hurt, and still the shock of it all. Tonight is one of those nights, fighting depression. Trying to adjust to my new reality isn't easy.